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Dec. 17th, 2010 | 09:21 am

I never knew the smell of blood could be so strong and nauseating. Until now that is. When will it go away? Now, all I can taste is blood. And it's really getting gross. 

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Dec. 16th, 2010 | 10:46 am

-continuing on from my previous post, except now centered more on Fringe-

I don't think I've expressed my love enough for this show AND the actress, Anna Torv. I don't like spazzing to friends because they just end up being mood-killers and might think I'm weird. Not that I mind the latter because I fully admit to it, but I'd just like for some friends to accept me and all my spazzing and not just cut me off. And that's why I have YOU, my lifejournal <3 hahah

Ok first, I have to commend her for the amount of acting she's had to do in just the first 8 episodes of Season 3 of Fringe. She's so underrated though that it just makes me explode with anger. And this quote explains why she's such a fantastic actress in the clearest form there is.

"...Torv’s Olivia Dunham, on the other hand, requires a much more delicate touch. Both Olivia’s are very much alike in their personalities, with only subtle differences aside from their hair color. Torv straddles those variances with judicious skill, essentially having to play a third and even a fourth version of the character.

The brilliant, tortured and somewhat reserved original Olivia, while captive in the alternate universe, was forcibly given Fauxlivia’s memories and gradually adopted that persona, burying original Olivia’s memories and personality in the process. The heartbreaking scene where she came face to face with the alt-world version of her mother, who had died in our world when Olivia was young, had a tremendous impact as the moment when Olivia tragically gives herself over to Fauxlivia’s mind completely. Even still, glimpses of Olivia would come out from time to time, as the story required, ultimately causing her to “awaken” and re-emerge as this world’s Olivia.

Fauxlivia, a bolder and more playful version of her this world self, having deceived her way to our universe with Peter and Walter, was now required to evade suspicion by posing as our world’s Olivia. There were moments, such as when she murdered the deaf man in “The Box,” where she broke back to her Fauxlivia persona, but had to quickly turn it back on when Peter arrived unexpectedly, or when she failed to remember something that the real Olivia would have never forgotten.

Not only has Torv been required to play both Olivia and Fauxlivia, she has also had to manage Olivia transitioning to and from Fauxlivia, as well as Fauxlivia posing as Olivia.

A lesser actress would be hitting Fox up in advance to foot the bill for her post-season psychological treatment.

If this tedious character balance isn’t enough, add to it that she’s had to play victim, aggressor, counselor, temptress, murderer, and protector, running the gamut of almost every possible emotion in the process – not to mention spending countless hours filming scenes inside of a water tank. What other lead actress has had all this asked of her – within the span of 8 episodes, much less an entire season – and done so with such aplomb?"  Source

I mean, just LOOK at the amount of fear in her face as she shows Broyles the lines they drew on her to perform surgery and the amount of pleading she's doing with her eyes. And how SCARED she looks as they take out the needles. And just how her walls totally came crashing down from that strong, confident cop facade. T__T

And speaking of her eyes, JUST LOOK AT THAT! CAN'T EVEN-


I was also very happy that Fringe aired right after Bones, another one of my favorite shows. But now they're moving it to Fridays, in which people call the "Friday death slot" which is really getting me scared and upset. I just got into the show, and I don't want it to end just after 3 seasons. It's just getting so much MORE better! It's crazy. However, at least Fox is really showing their love for this show and making just the best Promos ever. There was even a movie trailer version for Entrada, which was just amazing. And now I love them even more for this new promo they created. They really are showing the love to the fans. I sure hope they keep promoting the time slot change so that more fans will know. This show is just...the best thing ever. I love Glee, for their happy endings, amazing song covers, and Heather Morris, but Fringe is just; the plot, acting, script, everything, for lack of better wording, is just out of this world. Plus, Anna Torv <3333 gah My new obsession. And her Australian accent makes her THAT much hotter. lol

This show is one of the best shows ever. And I will never stop being AMAZED nor stop spazzing about this show. And not to mention, Anna Torv is stunning. But if I were to post every picture of her amazing beauty, it'd be like posting up my whole Fany photo album, which would be over-doing it. lol Can't BELIEVE how underrated this show is. It's just. Epic. Stupid "academy" for not paying sci-fi shows their appropriate recognition just because they're sci-fi. -___-

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Dec. 16th, 2010 | 09:44 am

I have a confession.

Got eight teeth pulled out yesterday. Honestly, I wasn't all that scared. At least not until the surgeon mentioned I'd need stitches, because this would be my first time ever needing stitches. But that was alright because I'd be knocked out anyways. And, honestly, I found getting an IV drip and being hooked up to monitors kinda cool. LOL Call me weird, but I just never had to do that before, and was kinda excited to get to experience it. HAHAH I guess someone's been watching too much Fringe lately. The IV drip really stung going in. Didn't know you could actually feel the sting of the anesthesia as is sinks in and travels through you're veins. But soon after, I was totally gone. I don't even remember how, but everything just blacked out. 

When I first woke up, my body couldn't stop shaking. I don't know if it was because of the drugs wearing off or my body saying I was scared, but really, could not stop shaking. I could vaguely remember a guy pressing down on my forehead, for what I had no idea. I felt really dizzy and barely conscious and yet the nurses were trying to talk to me. Could barely understand what they were saying. I did catch an "are you feeling ok?" but my mouth was stuffed with gauges and I wasn't coherent enough to reply. And then they said I could go, but I couldn't even remember how to stand. So weird. And when I was finally able to, my feet were so wobbly, I had to hold onto one of the nurses that was there. Then I walked out and I remember my mom putting my jacket on for me, except it hurt because she put my arm that was bandaged from the IV drip in last. Oh well. 

After that, I went home, took some pain killers, which was really hard considering my whole mouth was still numb, tongue included, and passed out for an hour. Replaced my gauges when I woke up and there was so much blood and my mouth tasted horrible, but I couldn't spit anything out because that'd prolong the healing process. And then everything was going pretty fine other than the pain and tiredness. We had to take my grandma to the airport since this was the day she goes back to my aunt in Nevada. I had to escort my grandma all the way to her gate because we'd be late if we waited for the wheelchair, and she didn't know the way, and I couldn't drive in my state of dizziness, meaning my mom had to go take care of the car. There wasn't enough time to say bye to my grandma :( But she did give me a kiss, although on the wrong cheek which made it hurt more, but that was ok. lol

After that, we went home and all was good. But then around 4:30 or 5, I was sitting at the dining table and trying to eat some yogurt, when I totally had an emotional breakdown or something. I think it's because of my parents. The things my mom was telling me earlier and how my dad was acting, and probably how helpless I felt about the whole thing. But I'd like to blame it on the pain that I got from eating the yogurt the wrong way, although, honestly, it didn't hurt that much. It wasn't just tears though, I literally started bawling, and I couldn't even explain why I was crying so hard. Just. Weird. Very weird. I took some more pain killers and ended up sleeping for the rest of the day. So all I had that day was a protein shake and some yogurt.

And I'm done. Don't know what came over me, but I'm not one to cry like that for no reason, so I felt like I needed to get this off my chest, or it'd just haunt me. Also since I can't really tell anyone about this. lol

Day after I got my surgery and my tongue is STILL numb and my mouth still hurts and now both sides of my cheeks are swollen. T__T Thank god I don't have school.

Btw, since I mentioned Fringe earlier, I just gotta- the scene where Olivia comes back and is expecting a nice home welcoming is just so heartbreaking T___T She's been gone for two months, suffering from being locked up and injected with another person's memories and tested on and fighting by herself, and yet when she gets home, it's like nothing's changed which is so so heartbreaking. Having someone else live your life and having the people around you not know is possibly the worst thing that could happen. (Stupid Peter) It's kind of like when you're absent from school for a few days or a week and you act pretty nonchalant but can't help but expect at least some close friends questioning your absence or greeting you nicely, when all you receive is indifference. Something I'm all too familiar with. Hah. But yeah, Olivia. T________T Anna Torv fricken needs an Emmy. Damn Golden Globes. I might just make an award for her myself.

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F*ckin Perfect

Dec. 14th, 2010 | 08:06 pm

Pink - Fuckin Perfect

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated this place,
Miss knowing it's all good
It didn't slow me down

Always second guessing
Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean

When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game

It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

The whole world's scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer
So cool in line
And we try, try, try
But we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't like my hair

Exchange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

You're perfect,
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
You're fucking perfect to me


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don't understand use of title. but i hate the ellipsis

Dec. 13th, 2010 | 03:21 am

So I realize it's been a while....but I just want to touch on some forgotten memories. lol

I've been doing some talking, some thinking, ect, and I don't really know what happened my first year in Washington but it all seems such a blur. It's weird. Complicated. I don't know how to explain, but some things would seem like it just happened yesterday, while others seem they happened decades ago.

It's like I blocked that whole year out unconsciously. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I had a conversation with my mom, and realized my whole perception of that year is totally skewed and messed up. For some odd reason, I didn't even think Brian was living with us that first year, when he did. I mostly remember being in my room, doing homework, not sleeping, dark skies.

I've also realized that when I think back to the first time I moved here, I totally skip that school year. I either think of freshman year initially, or that summer we got there. But even that is really fuzzy. It seemed that summer was really long, and happened in yearly intervals instead of months. The beginning of that summer was fun, but the second part didn't even seem like it belonged. Like it was another summer in itself. Sometimes, I feel like I'm missing a big part of my brain. There's this big gap, and what ever detail I can recover, I don't even know what order it goes in anymore. 

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Dear Livejournal...

Nov. 16th, 2010 | 07:12 pm

So........at BC today, I met Yen again. We used to go to driving school together last year and I totally forgot her name until she reintroduced herself today. lol Anyways, so she was with this guy and she introduced us, and he seems...really nice. lol Except, he uses a LOT of slang. Like really a lot. Forgot how many times he said "ya'll" also. But he was really smiley.....and he did look sorta cute. lol and he complimented my hair and eyes and name (which the last one, I'm used to) and said I was an "all-round beautiful girl." So....can I just take this moment to quickly fangirl that a guy I hardly knew, and who is also quite good looking, actually thought I was pretty? xD hahahahah gah........I totally went red. But tried my best to play it cool. And then when I left, he hugged me goodbye even though we only met for 30 minutes. lol Aigoo. I was trying to not seem awkward, which I think I did a really good job at. But yeah. He was...really nice. > < lol 

Anywho. That was my day. I'm re-meeting so many friends I haven't seen in a while...lol

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There was one time....

Nov. 15th, 2010 | 10:23 pm

In middle school. Seventh grade. During P.E. period and after all the exercises were done, the girls would be waiting for the girls locker to open so that we could go in and change, and mostly every day, a few girls would nudge each other and say, "Something smells," complete with the gestures and look of disgusts, and their finger points and glances made it clear who they were talking about. That one girl. That was just a tad away from being me. I remember, standing there awkwardly, wanting to say something, but I couldn't. Because it was middle school. When I was still growing into myself and was so ashamed and shy and awkward. And I couldn't say anything, because I was scared. Scared because I knew I smelled just as much (my parents would tell me all the time). Scared I'd get thrown into that category too. With her. And I wasn't brave enough for that. Not then. Not, ever really. All I could feel was relief. Relief that it wasn't me they were picking on. That it wasn't me that had to deal with that. All I could do was hide, cower behind her, secretly. Because I was useless. And I wanted to fit in. Although I was never in that crowd, or ever became apart of it, as long as I wasn't in their field of vision, that was all I wanted. 

I could deal with the bullies that openly made fun of me for being nice to a mentally ill kid. I could deal with bullies that are guys. But I can't deal with girl bullies. With their glances and secret whispers and honestly, pointless attempt at subtlety. Their scrutiny is more damaging to ones morale than anything physical could possibly be. 

And so now, I sit here, suffering, with the reoccurring memory as it replays over and over in my head. The guilt of not doing anything and letting her take everything upon herself. By herself. And I can only sit and ponder about the different things I could have possibly done, but would actually never have been able to. That one time in middle school. That one time when I outright witnessed something but did nothing. Nothing at all. And now all I have is the nagging in the back of my head. The nagging and echoing that won't ever stop. Maybe by typing this out, this memory that has haunted me for the past six years will slowly fade away. Not completely. But enough. Enough to not feel so guilty anymore. Although I should. 

Somehow, this "second-hand" bullying is what sticks to me most than all the other bullied moments in my life. And somehow, is also the most painful one.

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2 Things

Nov. 14th, 2010 | 11:06 am

so i figured, no matter what i do or say or whatever, everyone will always take britton's side. everyone. mom, dad, sister, brother, friends. everyone. and the worst part is, i can't even ignore him. i mean, even THAT i can't do? i'm already not yelling at him. can't i do that my way? by not giving a damn what he does or care about his stupid ass stories and just not reply? fuck.

and another thing. it really really helps to fight with my dad. i mean, of course fighting with either parent is a bad thing, but when i get in trouble for something by my dad, i can yell back, to an extent, and somehow, i'm able to speak my mind better. easier. a lot better than fighting with my mom because its not really fighting. at all actually. it's just her yelling at me with her skewed opinions and me biting my tongue as hard as i can in order not to anger her more because she will always have a fucked up comeback and if i don't just leave it, she'll go on forever. where as for my dad, he's different. maybe because i've been so spoiled by him i dont feel as scared, but i like being able to get SOME things off my chest at least. at least. whether or not he cares what i say or changes his views or actions or whatever, at least i'm able to say it. and i feel a lot better afterwards.

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(no subject)

Nov. 2nd, 2010 | 02:32 pm

alrighhtttt....this is really bad. i think i've skipped like 3 math classes and 2 english classes now. gah. seriously. i don't even remember shutting off the alarm in the morning .___. how in the world do i wake up so late? ughh. annoyed :( i hope i did ok in my math test today....> < this is what college does to you. it makes you feel like skipping is absolutely ok. lol

oh. got my essay back today. and i got a 96!! yaayyyy~~~~ so happpyyy. ;D 

lookey~ it's November already. wow. time sure flies.

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Oct. 27th, 2010 | 11:44 am
music: Mistake - SNSD

I'm still at the same place
I'm weary from wandering by your side
Even today, as I was wandering
Day has passed again and again
Now I'm here
You know, you know that my heart is hurting
Watching you smile makes my heart ache more

It's my mistake for not making you love me more
It's my mistake for loving you more than you love me
It's my mistake for not making you love me as much as I wanted you to.

How much longer must I cry
As I'm trusting that promise,
I'm only believing in that promise
You lied to me to wait for you
Even my greedy side for your love has grown weary
You know, you know that my heart is hurting
You can't just ignore and smile like that. Whoaaa~ (Fannnyy)

It's my mistake for not making you love me more
It's my mistake for loving you more than you love me
It's my mistake for not making you love me as much as I wanted you to. (FANY'S VOICE! <3)

I knew I couldn't have you
But my heart just kept growing
It's my mistake for waiting by myself
It's my mistake for regretting by myself
Loving you, even though my heart was hurting

It's my mistake for not letting you go (I'm such a fool)
I knew I would get hurt and couldn't let go (It's my mistake) 
Even though it could be all my fault (Even though it could be all my fault)
That's ok. As long as you're there.. 
Always.... (Stephaniee ;__;)
Please forgive me for being like this
The person who loved you

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